Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
