I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
