well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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