All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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