I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
