My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize