my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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