It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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