I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
