Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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