I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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