Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We are two peas in an std pod
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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