I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
