i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
