is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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