i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
