Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
