He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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