just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
