If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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