Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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