Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i think i just lost a toe
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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