Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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