so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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