dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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