ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
