tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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