respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
