dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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