So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
