Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
