even my farts smell like vagina
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
