Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
