my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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