Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
