This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
