you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
