I am puke
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
