someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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