Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
