found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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