I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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