no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize