Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
there was a trapeze. enough said
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We are all done wearing pants today
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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