either way he was missing a nipple.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
