Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
