The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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