If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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