Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
