how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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