So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
