We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
