You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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