You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
