I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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