we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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