hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
