READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
