There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize