just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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