Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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