tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
