Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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