i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
