im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
