I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
