Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
